A Tale of Drugs and Sex
by Jade Dragoon
Summary: The only thing that could be greater than the aftermath of a party in Chaosrealm...a party in the Netherrealm. Reiko and SubZero hit up Shinnok's party, and more madness ensues. Sequel to A Tale of Drink.


Disclaimer: I do not own MK or anything related to it

Author's Note: Another humor fic! I wasn't planning on doing one, but a lot of people liked A Tale of Drink, and a couple of them suggested that I make a sequel. So here it is. I hope it's as good as the first one! Do enjoy, and let me know what you think. Rated T for drug use and sexual references (as if the title wasn't a clue).

**A Tale of Drugs and Sex**

Tall clouds of thick, black smoke rose to the sky, steaming from the flaming wreckage of countless cars like dark pillars. Bodies spattered with gore littered the streets, the lucky ones dead, the unlucky still clinging to agony-filled life. Destruction and desolation was everywhere. Earthrealm was powerless against this new threat, the worst thing since Kevin Federline's debut album…Sub-Zero's driving.

Reiko yelled out a graphic curse as Sub-Zero rammed the snowmobile into another mailbox, making little bits of wood go everywhere. Bills flew past Reiko's head, and what looked like the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue narrowly missed his ear. He wiped sweat off of his hands, resisting the urge to wrap them around Sub-Zero's throat, who was sitting just in front of him, utterly oblivious to the ruin he was causing

The grandmaster of the Lin Kuei was, without question, the absolute worst driver in all the realms. Apparently, someone had told him that the brake on his snowmobile was entirely an optional tool, and that the steering wheel should only be used correctly in cases of extreme emergency. He'd taken these words deeply to heart, forging a path onward made of burnt rubber and blood, the shrieks of the innocent filling the air, ignoring Reiko's frequent screams of, _"Get off the fucking sidewalk, you maniac!!!"_ So far, the body count came to five men, three women, two children, eight dogs, six cats, four old people, and some dozen-odd small woodland critters. Reiko shut his eyes tight and prayed he wouldn't be added to that list.

Another thump made his eyes snap open. A bald, gray-clad midget was flying through the air, yelling, "Eeeeeeeeeee!!!!" With another thump, he hit the ground and lay still.

"Mini-Me!!! Noooo!!!" This yell came from what appeared to be a full-sized version of the midget, standing on the curb. "I'M GONNA GET YOU, AUSTIN POWERS!!! MOUAHAHAHA!!!"

"Sub-Zero, what the hell is wrong with you!?" Reiko yelled at him. The Lin Kuei warrior turned back to him, looking irritated.

"What?"

"You just ran over a midget, that's what!" Reiko screamed back.

Sub-Zero looked confused. "Did I?" He looked at the body of the gray-clad midget in the road, over which the full-sized version was now sobbing inconsolably. "Oh, well." He whirled around as Reiko let out a fresh shriek, but was too late to stop the snowmobile from plowing into a line of trash cans, which were scattered every which way. Seemingly calm and complacent, Sub-Zero jerked the wheel to the left and the snowmobile flew into oncoming traffic.

"Whoops, wrong lane," he said, whipping his vehicle around as the truck he'd been about to hit slammed on the brakes. The car behind the truck rear-ended it, the car behind the other car rear-ended _it_, and the chain of destruction went on and on until the result was a twenty-car pileup. Sub-Zero zoomed on, apparently unconcerned.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE???" Reiko roared.

"Dale Ernhardt taught me," Sub-Zero said.

"Lemme get this straight," Reiko said in a weirdly calm voice. "You learned how to drive from a man whose job it was to make a car go as fast as humanly possible, and who ended up dying in a massive, fiery, crash?"

"Yep," Sub-Zero said placidly. Whimpering, Reiko hid his face in his hands. With a thrill of terror, he felt the snowmobile accelerate. A foul smell reached his nostrils, and his pants suddenly felt heavy. Checking his underwear, Reiko came to the realization that, yes, Sub-Zero's driving skills had actually made him shit himself. He shut his eyes tight and waited for the nightmare to be over.

"Okay, we're here," Sub-Zero said cheerfully.

Reiko let out a sob of relief at those words. His eyes snapping open, he threw himself out of the snowmobile and kissed the sweet, snow-covered ground. _Wait…snow-covered?_ He stood up and finally got a good look a where he was. The two were standing outside the Lin Kuei Temple.

"I thought you said the party was in the Netherrealm," he said to Sub-Zero.

"It is, but it's not until later," the Lin Kuei warrior replied. "We're stopping by here first."

"Hang on…a second ago we were destroying suburban Japan. How did we end up in Siberia?" He paused, listening carefully. "And why do I hear sirens?"

Sub-Zero shuffled his feet in the snow. "Ummm…I may have broken a few speeding laws," he said sheepishly. "Along with the sound barrier. Shall we go inside?" Muttering unkind things under his breath, Reiko followed Sub-Zero through the doors and into the icy halls of the temple.

"My room used to be at the very end of the temple," Sub-Zero said, "but since I got together with Frost, she made me move into her room. It's down this way." He motioned Reiko down a long, dark corridor. "We gave my room to Sareena."

Reiko's stomach turned to water. "Sareena's here?"

"Yeah…" Sub-Zero said, looking confused. "Why?" Then the realization hit him. "Oh, right, I forgot about that…" he said, looking sympathetic. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Reiko said gruffly. "I'll be fine."

"You sure it won't be awkward?"

"Noooo….no, of course not. Me being in the same building with my sado-masochistic ex-girlfriend, whom I just broke up with?" Reiko snapped sarcastically. "What could be awkward about that?"

"Just asking," Sub-Zero replied. They continued the rest of the walk in total silence.

Arriving at the room, Sub-Zero pushed open the door and they walked through. Frost was waiting in the middle of the chamber, completely naked.

"Honey, why aren't you dressed yet?" Sub-Zero asked.

"I was waiting for you to get home, sugar-bug," Frost said in a pouty little voice. "I've got a surprise for you," she said seductively. For some reason, there was steam coming out from one of her armpits.

"Um, Frost?" Reiko asked. "Why is your armpit smoking?"

"What? Oh, I haven't finished shaving yet," she said, lifting up her arm to reveal the blue-white hair there, surrounded by icy vapor. "I'll just be a minute…wait for me, jingle-nuts," she told Sub-Zero as she left. Reiko looked at the man beside him. 

"Jingle-nuts?"

"Long story," Sub-Zero said, looking uncomfortable. "There's some extra clothes in the drawer over there. Go change your pants." Reiko walked over, found a pair of black pants that, for some reason, were exactly like his old ones, and changed, while Sub-Zero averted his eyes.

"Just throw those out," Sub-Zero said after he was done, referring to the pair of absolutely vile pants Reiko now held in his hands.

"Maybe you could give them to Sareena," Reiko told him. "Sick and twisted as she is, I'm sure she could find a use for them."

"Oh, come on, she can't be that bad," Sub-Zero said. Reiko laughed in his face.

"Wanna bet?"

"Whatever. Just throw them out." Reiko sighed and put the pants in the trash. Sitting down on the bed, he ran his hands nervously through his hair.

"Elder Gods have mercy, I never thought I'd see her again…"

"Calm down, dude. Maybe she won't even know you're here. She hardly ever comes into this room." Just then, they heard a voice from outside the door, a voice that made Reiko's blood run cold.

"Dammit, Frost! I told you I was on my period, why did you take the last tampon!?"

The Dark Mistress Of All The Evil In The World, also known as Sareena, barreled into the room, making Reiko's blood stop running cold and actually freeze in his veins. A black mist swirled around her feet, and flies began to drop dead at her utter unholiness. The souls of small children swirled through the air, singing dark chants at her every step. Every mirror in the room broke, and a five-pointed star burned itself into the opposite wall. Somewhere, a horse whinnied in terror. Reiko shivered.

"What the fuck am I supposed to use?" she yelled, before realizing that Frost wasn't in the room. "Where is she?" she asked Sub-Zero.

"She's over there," the Lin Kuei warrior replied, pointing at Reiko, who had curled up into a ball on the bed, trying to blend in with the sheets. He threw Sub-Zero a murderous look as Sareena's eyes lighted on him.

"_Reiko!!!"_ Sareena squealed, running over to the bed and giving him a hug. "It's so good to see you again!" Reiko began to cry.

"I know, I know, you're just so happy, too," Sareena said sweetly. "It's been what, ten days?"

"Yes," Reiko said through clenched teeth. "Ten. Glorious. Sun. Filled. Days."

"Oh, don't be such a Johnny Raincloud! You had fun with me and you know it."

"I'm sorry, but I don't find whips, shackles, and nipple clamps fun," Reiko replied. Sareena giggled. Just then, Frost walked in, still naked.

"Subbie-wubbie! I'm ready!" Sub-Zero grinned.

"Alright, my little dimple-lamb baby, let's go." He turned to Reiko and Sareena. "If you two wouldn't mind, we need the bed."

"No problem," Sareena chirped. "We'll be right out so you two can get down to business. C'mon, Reiko." She took his arm in her iron grip and dragged him out, shutting the door behind them.

"You know," Sareena purred, as she and Reiko waited outside, "this kinda brings back memories…"

"Yes," Reiko grumbled. "Very painful ones."

"Oh, shut up. So I liked it a little rough."

"_A little rough?_ Do you remember the last time we had sex? You turned into a giant demon!"

"Technically, we never had sex that night because _someone _pussied out and ran from the room screaming at the top of his lungs like a five-year-old girl," Sareena reminded him. "So, really…we've got some catching up to do." She placed a hand on his chest and leaned in slowly. Reiko let out one of the aforementioned five-year-old girl screams.

Just then, the door burst open. Frost stormed out in a huff, the bedsheets wrapped around her. Sub-Zero came out close on her heels, pulling his boxers back on.

"Frost! Come back! It happens to every guy!"

"Shut up, limpdick!" she yelled back at him. She disappeared down the corridor, the sheets training behind her. Sub-Zero turned red.

"Well…that's kind of embarrassing…" There was an eight second-period of awkward silence.

"Hey," said Reiko looking out the window. "It's dark out. Shouldn't it be time for Shinnok's party?"

"You're right. A minute ago it was daytime, though. How did it get dark so fast?"

"My ex-girlfriend brings darkness wherever she goes, Sub-Zero." Sareena giggled again.

"Anyway," Sub-Zero said, "let me get dressed, and let's go." He got dressed, and they went.

"Bye, guys! Sareena called. "Have fun!" Reiko trembled.

"Wait a second," he said, just remembering something. "How are we getting there?"

"The snowmobile," Sub-Zero told him. "How do you think?"

"Hell, no. I don't want the deaths of any more midgets on my conscience. I'm teleporting us." He grabbed Sub-Zero's arm, and they vanished.

They reappeared in the Netherrealm, a place filled with fire and brimstone and tortured screams…and also with a lot of demons who liked to party _really fucking hard._ On a great, big island, situated in the middle of a large lake of lava, (alliteration…bwaha.) there stood the smoldering wreckage of a DJ booth and a couple loudspeakers, along with several dead bodies. As far as Reiko knew, Sub-Zero hadn't driven through there recently, so he could only assume that that was the gravesite of a previous shindig. Just then, Shinnok walked up.

"Hey, guys! You're just in time! Follow me!"

"What happened over there?" Sub-Zero asked.

"Oh, a couple sorcerers got into an argument with a couple Oni…scalding-hot rocks were thrown…lava splashed everywhere…people died…you know how it is. We've not a new party set up over here. C'mon."

They walked over to a cave…a cave which no man has ever entered…up to a bridge which no man has ever crossed…where a wizened old man waited.

"Stop! Whoever would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."

"Shut up, you old fucking hobo!" Shinnok yelled. A skeletal hand rose up out of the ground and bitch-slapped the man off the edge of a cliff. The man fell to his death, yelling something about swallows. Three men with coconuts came out of nowhere, and Shinnok, Reiko, and Sub-Zero all rode invisible horses across the bridge, coconuts clacking behind them.

In the middle of the cave, there was another DJ booth, set up with all kinds of fancy colored lights. Two giant speakers were set up beside the booth, blasting Black Sabbath. Drahmin was standing behind the booth, wearing a floppy hat, a backwards sports jersey, baggy jeans that hung down below his knees, and an iced-out Mortal Kombat logo on a chain. He was yelling into a microphone to a crowd of people in front of the booth.

"Alright ya'll, this is DJ Drahmin, the best DJ in the muthafuckin' world! What I want you to do right now is…PUT YA HANDS IN THE AIR!!! AND WAVE 'EM LIKE YA JUST DON'T CARE!!!" The crowd roared with excitement.

"Looks like a pretty bitchin' bash, Shinnok," Reiko said. He turned to Sub-Zero. "Shall we go?" The icy warrior nodded, and together they set off towards the crowd in the middle of the cave. Looking over, Reiko saw Kintaro standing off by himself, a cup in his hand, not talking to anyone. "Go get us some drinks," Reiko said to Sub-Zero. As the Lin Kuei warrior walked off, Reiko made his way over to Kintaro.

"Something wrong, big guy?" he asked.

Kintaro sighed. "Sheeva and I just broke up today. I came here to drown my troubles in large amounts of alcohol."

"That's too bad."

"Yeah. She gave one hell of a hand job."

Sub-Zero walked back over and handed Reiko a cup filled with liquid. "What's this stuff?" Reiko asked.

"Fuck if I know," Sub-Zero replied. He threw his drink back in one swig. Reiko reciprocated. It tasted like day-old urine.

_Hmmm,_ Reiko thought, smacking his lips, _I believe I'll have another._ He put his arm around Kintaro. "Kintaro, old buddy, I believe we may be able to help you out…"

About half an hour later, they had given Kintaro so much of the day-old urine drink that he appeared to be incapable of coherent thought. He was now standing on a large boulder, yodeling and whirling his loincloth around in the air like a Chippendale's dancer, while screaming demons cheered him on. Reiko and Sub-Zero both smiled to themselves, each with a feeling of a job well done.

Suddenly, there was a fiery explosion. _Did Dale Ernhardt die again?_ Reiko wondered. Everyone turned to see a small crater off to one side, with the smoking corpse of Ashrah lying in the middle. Scorpion stood at the crater's edge, cackling like a maniac.

"HELLFIRE!!! HAHAHA!!!"

"Sub-Zero," Reiko said in a small, scared voice, "how drunk did you say he was?"

"Even more so than Bo' Rai Cho. I told you, he drank the Wu Shi Temple's sacramental wine. That's some strong stuff."

"Oh, well, at least he won't try to rape anyone, like that fat bastard tried to do with Sonya." The words had hardly left his mouth when Scorpion grabbed Kobra and dragged him off to a dark corner. Without missing a beat, DJ Drahmin started to play "Dueling Banjos". Reiko and Sub-Zero both shuddered.

Just then, a whiff of marijuana smoke reached their nostrils. They both turned to see Smoke standing beside them, a joint stuffed in his mouth vent. He took a drag on it and blew the smoke out. Both Reiko and Sub-Zero began to get a mild contact high.

"Man, if you want him to chill, give him one of these, man." He held up another joint. "Tell him to take a puff of this grass, homie." Reiko took the joint, and he and Sub-Zero walked over to where Scorpion was just finishing up with Kobra.

"Hey, Scorpion!" Reiko called. "You wanna hit this?"

"No thanks, I just hit that," Scorpion slurred, pointing to Kobra, who lay in a pathetic heap on the ground.

"C'mon, be a man," Reiko pleaded.

Scorpion mulled it over for a bit. "Alrighty." He took the joint and puffed on it for a bit. The drunken madness left his eyes, replaced by a serene look of one who has not a care in the world. "Hiiii," he said. "Hi, I'm hiiiigh…" The Shirai Ryu ninja giggled.

"That should take care of him," Sub-Zero said. "Let's go." They walked back to Smoke.

"Thanks a lot," Reiko said.

"Nooo problem, dude," Smoke said through the haze of weed smoke that surrounded him. Suddenly, a yell rang out across the cave. The all looked around to see Scorpion with his sword drawn.

"THAT CLOWN JUST STABBED MY RUBBER DUCKIE!!! KILL HIM!!!" He ran and began attacking the bare rock wall with his Mugai Ryu.

"Um, Smoke?" Sub-Zero asked. "Did you lace that weed with anything?"

"Yeah, dude…there's PCP in there, dude. Angel dust…"

They all watched with amusement as Scorpion fought with the wall some more. Then his head whipped around, apparently seeing something off to his left.

"YOU WON'T GET AWAY THIS TIME, CATWOMAN!!! TRA LA LAAA!!!" He ran to attack the figure only he could see, and fell straight into a pool of lava. Screams reached the air as he was incinerated.

"Damn. Lemme get a hit of that," Reiko said. Smoke nodded and his chest opened to reveal a hidden compartment, in which there looked to be about fifty joints, blunts, and bongs, all filled with the PCP weed. Reiko and Sub-Zero both grabbed one, lit up and began to smoke. For a moment, Reiko couldn't feel anything. Then he looked down, and saw that his arm hair was locked in an epic battle with his fingers. "Sweet," he muttered.

The next couple hours could only be described as insanely epic. Due to the influence of the drug, Reiko now understood calculus, the meaning of life and death, and that the egg came before the chicken, and saw things he hadn't previously known existed. One moment, the cave would be filled with hundreds of shit-flinging emerald testicles, then the next, giant flying llamas would swoop down and grab the talking laundry baskets. Red, burning arthropods scurried up and down the walls, only to be swallowed by gun-wielding nuns. Tap-dancing clarinets rode on Ferris Wheels, and depressed crocodiles drove in cars made of nickels and dimes, which all fell into the evil black hole of deadly bagels. Reiko watched it all and laughed complacently, utterly at peace with the world of canned corn around him.

Unfortunately, the PCP trip came to a sudden end. As Reiko looked down at his feet, he saw the lobsters playing poker on his toes disappear, and realized that things were coming back to normal. Sub-Zero, who was still high, was having an animated conversation with the wall, which appeared to be talking back.

"Doctor, I told you I don't want any camels!" There was a slight pause. "Well, no, I didn't turn in my monkeys for raffle tickets…" Another pause. "You have me there. I suppose I need those turtles, then…" Suddenly, he whipped around, his face a mask of terror. "THE LEPRECHAUNS ARE ATTACKING!!! RUN!!!" He did run, but seeing as the wall was less than a foot in front of him, he didn't make it very far. His head cracked into to the stone, and he fell to the ground, unconscious. Reiko ran over to him, and as he knelt to the ground, Sub-Zero stirred.

"You okay?" Reiko asked.

"Yeah. Man, that was some fucked up shit."

"Tell me about it. I don't think I've ever seen anything that crazy in my life." Just then, Kurtis Stryker walked into the party, wearing his cop uniform.

"Oh, shit! Stryker's coming!" Reiko yelled. "Smoke, hide the weed!"

The cyber ninja looked over at him. "Homie, chill. Stryker's alright. Where do you think I get my stuff? He steals it from all the druggies he arrests. Hotaru's the one you gotta watch for." Just then, Hotaru came in.

"Oh, shit! Hotaru's coming!" Reiko yelled. "Smoke, hide the weed!"

"Hey…that sounds familiar…" Smoke said.

"_Just hide it!"_

But it was too late. Hotaru walked over.

"What's going on here?"

Reiko looked uncomfortable. "Look, Hotaru, there's just no time to explain that we got Kintaro drunk off day-old urine, got Scorpion stoned off PCP weed to stop him raping people, then smoked of said weed ourselves, and saw some really outlandish stuff."

"Good thing there's no time to explain," Hotaru replied. "You are all under arrest." Just then the tip of a sword appeared out of his chest. "Son of a bitch," he muttered, before the person pulled it out and he fell to the ground. Sareena stepped over his dead body.

"Hey, there, lover boy," she said, waving at Reiko. _How did she get here?_ Too scared to speak, Reiko waved back.

"Now is that any way to thank the girl that just saved you from getting arrested? I can think of some better ways." She reached out and stroked Reiko's chest.

"Um…I don't think so, Sareena. I'm really not into that."

"Please? I promise I won't use the nipple clamps or any of that stuff you hate, and I won't turn into a demon. It'll just be regular old sex."

"You promise?"

"I promise," Sareena said, noting with satisfaction her crossed boot laces. "Lets go."

"Alright," Reiko said. They grabbed hands, and both vanished, reappearing in Sareena's room. They both stripped off their clothes, and Reiko shut the door and locked it, a grin on his face…

Arriving home, Sub-Zero headed to his room, but Frost had hung a sign on the door that said, "Keep out, limpdick." _Damn, she must really be mad._ He headed towards Sareena's room, thinking he might crash there.

A squeal of pain reached his ears as the hand extended towards the doorknob, followed by a roar of a demon and the crack of a whip. Laughing quietly to himself, Sub-Zero walked off to find another place to sleep…

**The End**

Author's Note: So, how did you like it? I tried to make it as funny as the first one. Let me know if I succeeded, please!


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